A little over three years ago I was suddenly approached by detectives with some frightening news about an ex-boyfriend who had at one time been a very important part of my life. And by frightening, I mean down right SCARY. This news lead to revelations that embedded a whirlwind of shock, fear, paranoia and uncertainty in me for many months ahead. At the same time, I was really struggling internally with a fairly new relationship that I literally threw my heart in within days of meeting. I would constantly feed his strong attraction to me for sex and money, anxiously trying to buy his love by giving him cash and making promises of more for him, and for the very first time in my life I started compulsively lying to a man -about my job, my health, moving & most of all money- just to try to gain even more of his time and energy, and to keep his attention on me when he was already in a very long term relationship with another woman before he had even met me. Then on top of that, I was pregnant with his child, who was to be born with a major heart defect and need surgery soon after birth. With this huge mountain of stress around me, it was often hard for me to function as a normal person (lets face it, it was impossible), but who would have thought that ultimately all these issues would eventually bring out a persistent sense of faith, patience, and gratefulness that all truth would come out and work for my greater good, and it did. If you had bumped into me around this time, it would have been easy to sense a confused, weak-minded, and very emotionally vulnerable young woman. I had already many months before lost my true self, only existing as a walking shell of white lies & sexual sin all because of my deep desire for someone to love and to love me back. I never looked to God for that unwavering love that I so much desired for myself, which was my first and biggest mistake. Too often naive, I realized at my lowest point that putting my trust in anyone but God was the wrong thing to do.
I remember clearly when I felt the most lost and depressed. I was understandably shaken, scared and my faith was wavering. I finally ran back to God but was now questioning why he wasn’t answering my prayers, how come I always felt so alone, and what could I have ever done to anyone ever in my existence for everything wrong that was happening in my life at that time. I literally, continually cried my heart out in despair, pitying my self every single night and putting myself down for how stupid I had been, not even realizing that God knows me inside and out and had never stopped loving me or working to protect me, despite me not putting HIM first in my life anymore. View Post