A little over three years ago I was suddenly approached by detectives with some frightening news about an ex-boyfriend who had at one time been a very important part of my life. And by frightening, I mean down right SCARY. This news lead to revelations that embedded a whirlwind of shock, fear, paranoia and uncertainty in me for many months ahead. At the same time, I was really struggling internally with a fairly new relationship that I literally threw my heart in within days of meeting. I would constantly feed his strong attraction to me for sex and money, anxiously trying to buy his love by giving him cash and making promises of more for him, and for the very first time in my life I started compulsively lying to a man -about my job, my health, moving & most of all money- just to try to gain even more of his time and energy, and to keep his attention on me when he was already in a very long term relationship with another woman before he had even met me. Then on top of that, I was pregnant with his child, who was to be born with a major heart defect and need surgery soon after birth. With this huge mountain of stress around me, it was often hard for me to function as a normal person (lets face it, it was impossible), but who would have thought that ultimately all these issues would eventually bring out a persistent sense of faith, patience, and gratefulness that all truth would come out and work for my greater good, and it did. If you had bumped into me around this time, it would have been easy to sense a confused, weak-minded, and very emotionally vulnerable young woman. I had already many months before lost my true self, only existing as a walking shell of white lies & sexual sin all because of my deep desire for someone to love and to love me back. I never looked to God for that unwavering love that I so much desired for myself, which was my first and biggest mistake. Too often naive, I realized at my lowest point that putting my trust in anyone but God was the wrong thing to do.
I remember clearly when I felt the most lost and depressed. I was understandably shaken, scared and my faith was wavering. I finally ran back to God but was now questioning why he wasn’t answering my prayers, how come I always felt so alone, and what could I have ever done to anyone ever in my existence for everything wrong that was happening in my life at that time. I literally, continually cried my heart out in despair, pitying my self every single night and putting myself down for how stupid I had been, not even realizing that God knows me inside and out and had never stopped loving me or working to protect me, despite me not putting HIM first in my life anymore.
The circumstances that were brought to me ultimately reminded me of what I already knew — but often times had ignored or failed to acknowledge: That I need God! That I need to put God first in my life!! God has a great plan for me!!! God is forever faithful and is saving me every single day from all sorts of evil that I don’t even realize are around me. God is not unjust whenever something bad happens to me. He is only saving me from even more dangerous situations that I would never have thought can happen.
This has not been the first time that I’ve struggled in my life. It has only been one of many obstacles so far that I have lived on to testify about, perhaps the biggest. And yet also these were times in my life where I could be thankful that things worked out the way that they did, which got me thinking to myself, are troubles really troubling or are they actually strengthening in the long run? How can we learn from our troubles? Why are some people stronger at coping with their troubles than others? And, how can we more successfully face our troubles head on??
The way that I see things, every trouble that I have had has impacted my life. It has either saved me from something worse than I could imagine, or from very manipulative people. Every loss I have ever had has been a wake up call that I need to change something about my life, to become a better woman, mother, daughter, friend. Every sorrow has by and by, down the road, set me free in some sort of way.
I love the way that life works sometimes… On any given day, whenever you feel upset, or you are mad that life just isn’t working out for you at all, you can hear about someone else who is in a more dire, fallacious situation than you and suddenly it will shift your perspective. Life makes us all realize that we don’t know everything, and we will never have all the answers as to why certain things happen to certain people.
I adore God so much because I know now that he is always there and looking out for little ol’ me. Even when I pray and feel like God is not listening when I call on his name – I know that he is. Since I have admitted to my lies and sexual sins, and recommitted myself to God, receiving Christ back into my life I know that I am forgiven. Romans 8:1 says “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” That said, I know that God truly loves me unconditionally and will never give me more stress than I can bear. I am now learning to appreciate all the little things in life that aren’t so good… all the struggles, the tears, the health mishaps, and every bad interview or missed opportunity that I get because I know that one day I will hear and understand why all of those things never worked out for me and why it wasn’t meant for me to have. And, despite all of that bad news, I’ll still give God all the honor and praise that he deserves because in the end it will all make perfect sense. God is good, all the time. Trust me, you all may not actually KNOW what all that I’ve been through but IF you did you would be amazed!
All I know for sure is that if I can get through my troubles, then you can too, and you will be a better person for it.